Friday 13 November 2015


Hermaphrodite Mum
Three kids and a single mum

I'm just off to analyse some intelligence and plan a few operations in the field. What? You haven't heard about my new job as an intelligence officer for MI6? Super-Mummy-spook? That's where it's at these days. Our Secret Intelligence Service is recruiting mummies. And about time too, I say! If you want a job done properly, ask a mother. Who else has a sense of perfectionism, bordering on O.C.D., as well as the ability to juggle several different lives? I am just glad that HM's Government has finally seen the light.

Shh! Don't look now: Mummy's undercover!
In case you think I am pulling your leg, look no further than Mumsnet's Jobs round-robin email last week. Second down on the list after an advert for Advance Production Operators at the biscuit company, McVities, there was a post seeking full-time MI6 Intelligence Officers. At last, I thought, a proper job for the working mother - assignments overseas protecting national interests. That fits around the school run and Christmas concerts, right? 

Okay, let's be serious for a moment. I know what I said earlier (all that guff about 'ask a mum' if you want a job done properly) but are Mumsnetters really a rich recruiting ground for the secret service? Have we run out of geeks, James Bond-wannabes and diplomats with a sideline in daring? But then I gave it some more thought and the penny dropped. MI6 is hankering for some fresh mummy-blood because we have a unique super-power: we are INVISIBLE! 

It's true! Women of a 'certain' age fall beneath the radar. The government certainly hasn't noticed us for years, and while you may see a few trojan-horse types blazing a trail in public life, the rest of us are kept well out of sight. So what better skill is there for a life of undercover snooping? I am ideally suited. Just a shame about the Official Secrets Act - a new life of undermining terrorist networks would have earned me so much street-cred at the school gates.

So, anyway, please excuse me while I cook tea and get the school uniforms ready for tomorrow. Haven't got much time because I have to catch a flight to Turkey in the morning. Someone is smuggling me over the border in a hijab. Carrie Mathison-style, I've asked one of my sisters to look after the kids. They won't mind - what's three more mouths to feed between families. I'll be back home once I have sorted out the Middle East. 

Hermaphrodite Mum is a fictional creation of Emma Clark Lam

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